Recovery/Psycho-babble section
Tuesday, April 2nd- the day my riding starts. I hope.  Yesterday I got out on a very long (ok, not that long, probably just a mile or so) dog walk with my wife, using only a cane. Felt good. Later I found myself going from room to room without noticing I’d forgotten to use it! And today, at the shop, I find myself misplacing it.  I hobble a bit (without a cane or crutch) but just a tiny hint of pain.  Obviously, I feel like I could get out and ride right now.

I’m still going through some of that retrospective/introspective stuff I wrote about in the last entry, but think I’ve found ways to see good from the angst and hope to be steadily moving forward, starting to feel a bit better each day, instead of worse. Even so, there will be peaks & valleys along the way.

I honestly don’t know how people with longer-term disabilities do it. I’ve spoken with a few customers who understand exactly what I’m going through, but given that they’ve been “out” for a much longer time (like my customer this morning who will finally be able to get back on the bike nearly 6 months after a broken hip), there’s a feeling that i haven’t earned these… feelings. Just 6 weeks allows for a pretty clearly-defined beginning, middle & end.

Weighty issues
For YEARS I’ve kept a close watch on my weight, modifying my intake to keep within a fairly narrow range. This started maybe 15 years ago, when it became obvious that that harmless middle-age guy thing of adding just one pound a year… well, if you live long enough, that starts to add up. As of about 10 years ago, I’ve achieved a stability in my weight of approximately 168 in the summer and 173 in winter. The lowest in recent history was a 163.5 after a really tough ride (yeah, that’s cheating, I know) and highest about 178 after a week of not riding.

The fact that, after a month of NOT riding, I hit 164.5 the other morning… shows how messed up I am right now. 164.5 and ZERO muscle tone. If I shake my leg (back in my bike racing days, one girl used to refer to me as “shaky legs” because I had this silly routine), there are no ripples, just “leg” bouncing around. I am living proof that muscle is MUCH heavier than fat.

The good news is that it should help with my recovery, since dragging extra weight up the hill is the last thing I need to be doing. But, I don’t want to, ever, lose weight again through stress & anxiety.

Grease belongs in bearings, not hair
Hard to believe I used to have long hair. REALLY long hair. Kind of like you’d see in depictions of Jesus. I got sensible about the time I hit 20 or so, mostly because I couldn’t stand the way my hair would filter out all the smoke in a smoke-filled room (hard to believe people used to smoke in places I’d allow myself to be. Yuck.). And it took so long to dry after a shower. These days, when it gets just a bit too long, heading over a collar or my ears, I get antsy. And I’ve been antsy for several weeks. This morning I finally made it down to Supercuts. Someone I’d not seen before cut my hair and didn’t ask if I wanted “product” in my hair (gel), just put it on. What the heck? They’ve always asked before, and a couple of the stylists know to not even ask, just don’t. So now I can’t wait to get home and shower this stuff off. If it ever comes off. I’ll probably have dreams about greasy hair.

It’s Raining Again
Yeah, I’m kinda done with rain. You’d think it would make it easier, the idea that who’d want to ride in this muck, so being forced off the bike shouldn’t be so bad. But that’s not me. I’ve actually enjoyed pushing myself in the muck. If I live in fear of anything, as a result of my crash, it’s that I might reconsider things and become more of a fair-weather rider. So, time to lighten things up a bit and link to a great video from the way-back days.

Today is better than yesterday. And, hopefully, not as good as tomorrow. I began to come to terms with things last night and didn’t find myself watching the alarm clock and wondering when I’d finally get to sleep. I think it helped that I could finally sleep on both of my sides last night, plus, frankly, it was a bit comforting hearing my wife’s snoring. How’s that for weird? It’s funny, after being married almost 40 years, the things you find endearing about your wife. The feeling’s definitely not mutual though; she can’t stand my snoring!

One of the issues I’ve been facing, without being able to ride my bike, is too much focus on the past. Nostalgia is cool, to a point. But when you start reliving past experiences, it can sometimes get a bit weird. Especially when you live with someone you’ve known for 43 years, there’s an awful lot of nostalgia! Fortunately, most of it comes under the category of things I’ve enjoyed with my wife. But also a few not so fun things from the past, before I met my wife, and I remember those as well. Any any past girlfriends reading this, ok, there’s really only one (Jenny), you too are a part of what I’ve become today. Not in a bad way. 🙂

I don’t have the ability to block the less-pleasant stuff. Or perhaps I don’t think such things should be blocked out, because I believe that where I am today is a product of everything I’ve done in my past. I believe we all are. Thankfully, in my nearly 40 years of marriage, I have nothing dark during that time to reflect upon. I especially enjoyed reading through the diary my wife wrote while pregnant with our first child, Becky. I had forgotten we had considered “Lindsay” as a name. (As long as I’m possibly embarrassing my kids, I should be fair and point out Kevin’s name was picked from the sports page of the SF Chronicle). I also recognized what an amazing talent she has for writing; she pulls no punches and expresses herself in a way that makes you feel “you are there.” Like the way I try to write about bike rides, only I have to include photos, while she excels with words. And the way she writes about feelings, not just things, is beautiful. Being married has been a wonderful thing. Thank you Karen (wife), Becky (daughter) and Kevin (son) for that. Along with a few cats and many Corgis along the way.

Anyone reading this might understand how much I need to get back on my bike. My life is about cycling, and who wants to read this personal drivel? Except that, I’m realizing now, that isn’t totally true. It’s more of an anchor that keeps me focused on the more-positive things in life. Once I’m back on the bike, I’m pretty sure a lot of my reflection upon the past will go away. I pray that my wife will put up with me until then. I think we’re both counting the days until I can get back on the bike. 12.